Taking a Sabbatical from Work
It is only now when I am already qualified to work that I realized there is another kind of vacation. Unemployment. It brings one a different sense of enjoyment though- exhilaration even, of being entitled to a lot of "not having tos".On top of the list is not having to wake up early in the morning. Now, I can sleep as late as I want to or as late as I can without having to set my phone's alarm before I go to sleep, or stress over the possibility of waking up thinking it's a Saturday when it's actually a Tuesday.
Another perk is that I don't have to go to work pretending I'm all grown up when I can tell that I still am not. I'm not even earning a living because I'm barely able to make ends meet. I still live in my family's house, contributing a few thousand bucks for household expenses when I was working, my commuting expenses eating up at least half of my salary and our father is treating us as if my older sister and I were still seven. I hate being old knowing that I can't even control my life or make my own decisions. The funny thing about my situation is that nobody would ever really understand why I am so helpless. I have friends telling me, "Ngek, ang tanda mo na, kelangan mo pa magpaalam lumabas? Sanayin mo lang kasi.." I know that saying "I'm trapped in this situation" is stupid-- that it's not really a case of being limited, it's actually because I made it my choice to wallow in my limitations. Believe me, with the many advices and scoldings I have said to myself, I have already come up with new ones that my friends still haven't told me. But I can't do anything about it as yet because I am still living under my dad's rule of tyranny. It's either I opt to be independent and be called an ingrate, with all my immediate relatives knowing only his side of the story or decide to stick it out, knowing I'd be unhappy for the rest of my life (I mean, it's to foolish to hope an old man can change his ways or ideas, right?). And then there's the payments issue. I'd have to pay my own bills, rent my own cozy box of an apartment with dear little cockroaches as house pets, buy food... What is ironic is that even if I don't move out and stay unemployed so that I don't have to give any monetary remittances, there still are a lot of things I have to pay for which doesn't require money-- like my own choices, the risks I have decided not to take, mismanagement of time, there are a lot of them, really. But admittedly, money is equivalent to power. That is why I have to seek employment in a company with high pay (something which is hard to do, except if you go and take a job you do not want) so I can have the satisfaction of staging out my act of defiance by moving out of our house (and hopefully, not come back, begging to be taken in again..).
One thing I did not have to do again nowadays is to perform ass-kissing for people who are not even genetically related to you. When at work, at one time or another, we find ourselves struggling to please our bosses, trying to second-guess what they want to see, how they want us to perform and whether they are planning to promote or demote us. I especially hate being subservient when I am aware that I'm being so.
Another plus is that I don't have to be nice when I want to be an ogre. I don't have major problems with my former colleagues but I did have one problem with my company's clients. Some of them were persistently inquisitive, to the point that I sometimes found myself imagining that I had the authority to yell at them. When you get to answer calls one after the other and you have to cover for your officemate who is still talking to a person on his or her other line, it really is hard to be cheerful when you are in a grim disposition.
But I guess the best thing about being unemployed is not having to be busy when you want to do other things. My first blog entry was before I started my first job. Now, almost 5 months have passed since then and this entry is just my second one. I have fallen into the trap of being the classical working person--the "I'm busy, I'm tired, I still have work tomorrow" kind of individual. Ever since I started working, I've forgotten how wonderful it is to read a novel, veg out in front of the idiot box, do some beadwork and write.
I know that by the end of this month, I'd be begging employers to take me in, regardless of the pay or the job responsibility, two things which i consider among the most important factors in taking a job offer (the latter weighing more). I am already dreading the feeling of uncertainty that will surely come in the next few weeks. I also know that by then, my newfound free time will hold less appeal to me than kissing the ass of my prospective supervisor and that I'd be hankering after generating reports and waking up everyday so that I'd have the tiniest sense of financial freedom. But as of this moment, I intend to relish my prolonged hours of sleep & my lazy afternoons. At least, when I get flung back into the struggling sea of laborers (and I know it will take me forever to get out of there again), I can say that I have had some time for myself, even for a while.
posted by lovefool @ 6:00 PM
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